I’ve never spent so much time in my bed. In fact, when my husband lived here, he used to escape to the bed frequently and it would anger me so. Now, I’m the one who camps out in the bed — sometimes sleeping, sometimes hanging out online — but always being away. I know it’s not good. That my children need my presence, even though I’m only 20 yards from them. They need me to be engaged.
But what I want to be is disengaged. From them, from my job, from my feelings. I think about what it would be like to be confined to bed, forced to stay for days on end by some doctor’s orders or mysterious virus. And I think it would feel heavenly. To just check out for a week or two.
What I’m feeling is not sad or depressed. What I’m feeling is beaten down and tired and scared. And like I just want to crawl into bed and stay there.
Tags: Al-Anon, anger, disengagement, exhaustion
