The reading in my “One Day at a Time in Al-Anon” book today talks about alcoholism as a disease. It says with regards to relapses from sobriety, “I can no more blame the alcoholic than I would blame him for a relapse in any other disease.”
Yet I do — or I have done so. I have blamed my husband for his relapses, using them to point out his character defects. I know if his disease were cancer and he relapsed after some time in remission, I would be loving and sympathetic and would never consider placing blame on him. So why is it so hard for me to think of alcoholism in the same way?
I think it’s because the consequences of his alcoholism have a direct negative effect on me and on our children. I feel like “if he loved us enough, he wouldn’t choose the drink over us.” And I know that holding on to this errant way of thinking is what makes it harder to shed my anger.
It’s something I need to work on.
Tags: Al-Anon, alcoholism is a disease, anger, ODAT, relapse
May 31, 2009 at 3:58 pm |
Hi Alcoholics Wife….
I am a recovering alcoholic who practices the 12 steps.
I have mixed feelings on the analogy between an alcoholic relapse and cancer relapse.
The cancer patient has less obvious choices he can make to avoid relapse. The alcoholic’s relapse is more often a result of choosing the wrong things.
Now often, the alcoholic makes wrong choices out of pure oblivion of how his alcoholism functions. In state of ignorance, the comparison is most meaningful.
The challenge with drawing the comparison too closely is that we alcoholics are prone to, either conscioulsy or sub-consciously, looking for excuses to drink.
If an active alcoholic who is living in full ignorance/oblivion of his alcoholic condition were to get ahold of the notion that he has as little control as a cancer patient over his “disease”, he may very well use it as an excuse to continue.
So while AA and Al-Anon are very helpful and effective programs, I must say that there are some things in the teachings that I do not find meaningful to my experiences.
We alcoholics are amazingly and incidously selfish. To me, this is the core of the condition of alcoholism.
Growing in the AA program, or any other 12 step program is a journey away from self-centredness. In doing so, we look at ways in which we can avoid the selfish seeking of alcohol consumption.
The same cannot be said of cancer.
I do not know you, your husband, or your circumstances so I do not wish to sound like any kind of know-it-all. I simply want to caution anyone in your position to avoid co-signing any reason for the acloholic in your life to continue drinking.
It is a complex thing I know. And my heart goes out to you. I have an alcoholic father so I can somewhat relate.
I can report from this side of alcoholism that there are many choices I can make today that will keep me from drinking. And if your husband is still drinking, he either cannot or will not see the clarity of the choices… yet.
So don’t beat yourself up for the resentment. I think a portion of it is completely natural. And I do not see the comparison to cancer as 100% parallel to alcoholism.
I hope this is helpful.
Ciao
Chaz
June 4, 2009 at 3:20 am |
@Chaz — Thanks so much for your thoughtful reply. I am with you about the element of personal responsibility/choice that exists as part of recovery from alcoholism. And it does help to hear it from someone on the other side of the alcoholic fence.
My husband is in recovery. He’s currently has a little over 60 days — after having almost 18 months previously. I am hopeful, but not naive, about his recovery this time around.
June 4, 2009 at 4:21 am |
A/W….
Glad to hear your husband is finding sobriety.
Sobriety is the foundation on which recovery can be built. And in turn, provide more sobriety…. etc.
I too had a relapse after some sober time… mine was at about 11 months.
For me, it was this final relapse that allowed me to finally see how powerless I was over alcohol and how unmanageable life got (quickly) when I drank again.
Glad you are doing well.
Ciao.
Chaz
June 4, 2009 at 4:03 pm |
A/W -
Just another quick comment about the cancer analogy. I’m coming up on four years in al-anon in Indiana, and my mom had cancer at the time of my father’s most recent withdrawal. In your post you mentioned that you’d be loving and sympathetic if a loved one had a cancer relapse. I wonder how different our responses to these two diseases really would be. Of course, I would probably react differently toward the person themselves, but I would probably also feel disappointed, lonely, depressed, angry, and I would probably direct those feelings toward God and feel self-pity. That list of emotional reactions (which are just examples) aren’t so different from how it feels to love someone whose behavior upsets us but which we cannot change.
June 4, 2009 at 9:21 pm |
Abby,
Thanks for your comments. You know, I have never felt angry at God for any of this. I think that’s because I’ve always been more than happy to blame my husband. I’m sorry you had both addiction and cancer in your life. I hope you didn’t find my comparison insensitive.
July 15, 2009 at 10:33 pm |
I want to thank you for writing about this subject on this blog! I am an alcoholic whom has been through rehab twice and am discovering the beauty of sobriety.
I have become a contributor to a great website called sobriety.org
It is my hope that sobriety.org will become a focal point run by the sober community for the sober community. I look forward to hearing from many of you and developing this website into a powerful life saving tool, even if only for one or two people. Consider this site your community for a happy and sober life!
“Bill”